Sep. 13, 2016

I have hope again.

These past few months have been a maze of pain, delight, joy, and discovery.  I have had quite the ride, though I am nowhere near done.  Six months ago, I wouldn’t have predicted that I’d be enjoying life again.  Six months ago, I was an Admin for an auto parts retailer, a daughter, a sister, a best friend, a friend, a pal, a co-worker, an employee, and a reader and fan.  Now, I’m all those things, but I have a blog where I can post about the things that I’m learning and my views on the books I read, I am also on the Street Team for my favorite author, I have made so many more friends and developed seriously close relationships with some of them, I am a beta (I didn’t even know there were such people!), and I have amazing people counting on me.  I thought that I knew what hope was.  Now, I KNOW it and I FEEL it.

For the past few years, my life was fraught with physical, mental, and emotional pain due to a few medical diagnoses.  I couldn’t see past the next doctor’s appointment or the next surgical procedure.  I refused to attempt to make plans in advance.  While we never know what the future holds, I never believed that I would survive long enough to feel joy again.  I’ve had some dreams die.  Some of my dreams were to have love in my life, a family of my own, to be a published author, to be able to go a day without pain, and to feel joy again.  I fully expected to be dead within a year, two at the most. 

On top of the disease that I am stuck with until they find a cure, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and pseudotumor cerebri.  Through the grace of God, the surgeons got all of the cancer through a hysterectomy.  The pseudotumor cerebri, also known as idiopathic intracranial hypertension and was treated with a lumbar puncture to decrease the pressure that was causing incredible migraines and one of my eyes to turn inward.  I have had organs begin to fail, my life-saving medications changed, and episodes where I kneel before the porcelain throne and lose my ever-loving mind.  Though my medical problems won’t cease, I no longer believe that my dreams are dead.

Love is still possible.  I have learned that even after 30 years of research, people still view the disease that I’m living with as one that only affects sexually promiscuous people, drug users, and gays.  I am none of those types of people and yet I am afflicted.  I am the type of person that doesn’t like to waste my time or theirs, so I have been upfront with potential romantic attachments.  Needless to say, they didn’t work out.  It’s fascinating how three little letters bring out the ignorance and heartlessness in people.  I still have hope.  I can’t have this much love in me for it to die with me alone.

Thanks to the hysterectomy, I cannot have my own children.  This fact hurt.  I love kids.  I had hoped to have my own one day that would have my eyes, hair, or lips, or even the possibility of a butt like mine.  However, I had to decide whether I should stop the cancer before it spread (and it had already started to spread), or to risk my health.  Based off of my history of luck with medical issues, I chose to have the hysterectomy.  It saved my life.  Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t at death’s door.  I wasn’t undergoing radiation and chemotherapy yet.  Had I waited, I would have had to.  I couldn’t let my family and friends suffer by making them watch me fight for my life.  I had to make the right decision.  When it comes to having my own family, I have options.  When I’m ready, I will thoroughly research those options.  I’m pretty sure that there is a kid out there that needs the love that I am holding within.

My first novella was self-published.  I don’t have any high hopes for it.  I’m actually working on another book that I feel is better and may be able to reach more people.  It may even help them a little bit.  This one, I have much higher hopes.

These days, outside of a stupid injury, I am not in medically-induced pain.  I’m not having to go to IV clinics on a weekly basis.  Doctor’s visits are fewer.  My last surgery was this past January.  My head doesn’t feel like I need to put it through a wall.  I even started doing yoga.  I feel good!  It is amazing!

Lastly, I have hope, joy, and purpose in my life.  I am having fun again.  Plans are in the works to travel for an author event where I’ll get to see my Fave again as well as meet some new friends.  I hope to progress to being able to go home to Guam for another visit.  I hope to be able to go and visit my bro and sis-in-law and my nephews in Oregon.  I hope to be able to visit my loving friends who also happen to be in Oregon.  I hope to be able to hang out with my Twin in Vegas and my Sunshine in San Diego.  I hope to continue to be what my Fave and #TeamAC needs me to be to ensure their success.  Best of all, I HOPE!  These things are no longer far-fetched fantasies.  I am determined to turn these hopes into concrete plans and successes. 

One last, but wonderful thing, I have this amazing support system.  I am so surrounded by love and light.  I am blessed and grateful.

I am enjoying life right now and I refuse to let anything stop me.

Until later... I ask for two things…be safe and be kind to one another.