I have hope again.
These past few months have been a maze of pain, delight, joy, and discovery. I have had quite the ride, though I am nowhere near done. Six months ago, I wouldn’t have predicted that I’d be enjoying life again. Six months ago, I was an Admin for an auto parts retailer, a daughter, a sister, a best friend, a friend, a pal, a co-worker, an employee, and a reader and fan. Now, I’m all those things, but I have a blog where I can post about the things that I’m learning and my views on the books I read, I am also on the Street Team for my favorite author, I have made so many more friends and developed seriously close relationships with some of them, I am a beta (I didn’t even know there were such people!), and I have amazing people counting on me. I thought that I knew what hope was. Now, I KNOW it and I FEEL it.
For the past few years, my life was fraught with physical, mental, and emotional pain due to a few medical diagnoses. I couldn’t see past the next doctor’s appointment or the next surgical procedure. I refused to attempt to make plans in advance. While we never know what the future holds, I never believed that I would survive long enough to feel joy again. I’ve had some dreams die. Some of my dreams were to have love in my life, a family of my own, to be a published author, to be able to go a day without pain, and to feel joy again. I fully expected to be dead within a year, two at the most.
On top of the disease that I am stuck with until they find a cure, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and pseudotumor cerebri. Through the grace of God, the surgeons got all of the cancer through a hysterectomy. The pseudotumor cerebri, also known as idiopathic intracranial hypertension and was treated with a lumbar puncture to decrease the pressure that was causing incredible migraines and one of my eyes to turn inward. I have had organs begin to fail, my life-saving medications changed, and episodes where I kneel before the porcelain throne and lose my ever-loving mind. Though my medical problems won’t cease, I no longer believe that my dreams are dead.
Love is still possible. I have learned that even after 30 years of research, people still view the disease that I’m living with as one that only affects sexually promiscuous people, drug users, and gays. I am none of those types of people and yet I am afflicted. I am the type of person that doesn’t like to waste my time or theirs, so I have been upfront with potential romantic attachments. Needless to say, they didn’t work out. It’s fascinating how three little letters bring out the ignorance and heartlessness in people. I still have hope. I can’t have this much love in me for it to die with me alone.
Thanks to the hysterectomy, I cannot have my own children. This fact hurt. I love kids. I had hoped to have my own one day that would have my eyes, hair, or lips, or even the possibility of a butt like mine. However, I had to decide whether I should stop the cancer before it spread (and it had already started to spread), or to risk my health. Based off of my history of luck with medical issues, I chose to have the hysterectomy. It saved my life. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t at death’s door. I wasn’t undergoing radiation and chemotherapy yet. Had I waited, I would have had to. I couldn’t let my family and friends suffer by making them watch me fight for my life. I had to make the right decision. When it comes to having my own family, I have options. When I’m ready, I will thoroughly research those options. I’m pretty sure that there is a kid out there that needs the love that I am holding within.
My first novella was self-published. I don’t have any high hopes for it. I’m actually working on another book that I feel is better and may be able to reach more people. It may even help them a little bit. This one, I have much higher hopes.
These days, outside of a stupid injury, I am not in medically-induced pain. I’m not having to go to IV clinics on a weekly basis. Doctor’s visits are fewer. My last surgery was this past January. My head doesn’t feel like I need to put it through a wall. I even started doing yoga. I feel good! It is amazing!
Lastly, I have hope, joy, and purpose in my life. I am having fun again. Plans are in the works to travel for an author event where I’ll get to see my Fave again as well as meet some new friends. I hope to progress to being able to go home to Guam for another visit. I hope to be able to go and visit my bro and sis-in-law and my nephews in Oregon. I hope to be able to visit my loving friends who also happen to be in Oregon. I hope to be able to hang out with my Twin in Vegas and my Sunshine in San Diego. I hope to continue to be what my Fave and #TeamAC needs me to be to ensure their success. Best of all, I HOPE! These things are no longer far-fetched fantasies. I am determined to turn these hopes into concrete plans and successes.
One last, but wonderful thing, I have this amazing support system. I am so surrounded by love and light. I am blessed and grateful.
I am enjoying life right now and I refuse to let anything stop me.
Until later... I ask for two things…be safe and be kind to one another.