Sep. 20, 2016

Giving up vs. Fighting

What do you do when you’ve lived most of your life for others and your life is so fraught with pain that you want to give up but can’t because of how it would affect others?  What do you do when your body is fighting against you and all you want to do is give up?  What do you do when you are living with a disease that is causing a chain reaction and you want so badly to refuse treatment and just let it take its course?  What do you do when you feel that you have the soul of a “warrior” and all you know is to fight but you want so badly to surrender?  How do you justify giving up to yourself, much less to those that love you?  You can’t, right?

Giving up is way too easy.  In my personal opinion, it’s weak.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t look down on those who have given up or are well on their way to doing so.  I can’t look down on anyone.  I understand, too well, what it’s like to want and need to give up.  This is just how I would view myself if I were to do so.  My strength is one that I’ve always been proud of.  I’ve survived quite a few things that many do not know about.

For example, I was in an on-again off-again relationship with a man that I thought adored me, that loved me beyond anything else.  Unfortunately, that adoration and love turned into abuse.  I endured injuries that I hid, just like I hid my relationship with him.  I lied about how I got my injuries.  I hate lying, but I needed to do it because I believed that it kept me alive. 

I don’t know that many would believe that I’m a woman who has been abused, who kept going back to her abuser.  I wasn’t dependent on him in any way other than believing every single thing he said about no one loving me like he did.  When he hit me, it was in places that weren’t easily visible.  I know that I’m lucky to not have broken or ruptured anything.  I am a different person now.  The difference between then and now is that I fight back.  I refuse to be anyone’s punching bag. 

Now, with a horrible chronic disease and potential for organ failure and/or cancer, I don’t have a way to physically beat it back.  I can’t hit it back when it attacks me.  Admittedly, I have times where I want to give up; to let these diseases and conditions run their course.  It’s a constant fight to keep from curling into a ball.  On the other hand, it is because of what I’m going through that I have a wonderful support system.  I am blessed with every single person.  But…

No one truly understands where you’re coming from no matter how hard they’ve tried or how closely they’ve fought alongside you.  You can appreciate their support, their love, their prayers, their wishes, their good vibes.  You can appreciate that they have hearts, minds, and souls that reach out to yours.  Nevertheless, if you’re absolutely honest, it won’t help if you don’t accept it.  You MUST accept it. 

That’s what I have learned.  Relying solely on myself is tiring.  I’ve learned to accept the love and light being given to and shared with me.  I am far from perfect (you might see my picture next to the antonym of the word), but I am happier than I was.  I've learned that I do need to put myself first sometimes.  Though it's a big part of what drives me, I've learned that I'm worth more than what I can for others.  I need to love me first so that I can love others.  That's a huge part of what I've learned through that love and light.  So, I continue to fight.  This time, it's not just for other people.  I'm fighting for me.

Until later, remember two things…be safe and be kind to one another.