Oct. 5, 2016

Just venting

Blinding pain in my head.  Missing blocks of time.  Slight and random tremors in my hands.  Graying around the edges of my vision.  Sudden feelings of fading.  Pain in my joints.  Swelling and numbness of my hands.  Debilitating pain in my back.  Why can’t I get a break?  I don’t want to call my doctors.  I don’t want to have to undergo more testing.  I don’t want to be told that I have another disease or cancer. 

I’m tired of the personality shifts.  Feeling sick all the time sucks.  Is it so wrong to want to feel good again?  Even for just a few days?  It’s exhausting to act as if I’m feeling okay.  Telling others how I’m feeling or what I’m going through isn’t something I enjoy doing.  I can’t stand the worry that I know would grow in the people who love and care for me.  Even worse, I can’t stand the pity.

What can you do when you wake up every morning feeling nothing but despair and exhaustion?  What do you do when you wish that all of the symptoms equaled an inoperable brain tumor and that there is very little time left?  It’s dramatic, I know, but is it really wrong that it’s almost wishful thinking?  What do I do?  Talk to a therapist?  Check.  Pray?  Constantly.  Read positive affirmations?  Done.  Find the positives in my life and focus on them?  I do, but focusing is difficult.

If you’re reading this, please pray for me, send me good vibes, wishes, thoughts, love, and light.  I would really appreciate it and you.

I’m done venting for now. 

Until later, please remember…be safe and be kind to one another.