Oct. 7, 2016

What's the point? (More venting and whining)

More venting and whining…so please feel free to skip this posting.  I just need to get this stuff out of my head.

Feeling useless or inconsequential is horrible.  Feeling unimportant or insignificant is even worse.  My value is based off of what I can do for others.  Very few actually value me for the person I am.  The value I have in myself is nearly non-existent and I can’t find it in me to care.  Sad, right?  My body and health are falling apart so fast, and to be honest, I wish it would hurry up and finish me off.  Being tired and feeling sick all the time is exhausting.  The problem is, I am highly functioning and a big part of that is because I’m stubborn, strong-willed, and proud.  I work through illnesses that would cripple others (at least that’s what I’ve been told).  Very rarely, do I allow myself a chance to rest, relax, and heal.  When I do, it’s because my body can’t take the stoicism anymore.  I put myself through the wringer so others can have an easier time.  What’s the point when no one makes anything easier for me?

I can't, but I want to stop taking the medications that are saving my life.  Or I think about taking the entire bottle of sleeping pills, but I can't do that, either.  What’s the point when all I want to do is to drive into oncoming traffic?  The problem with that thought is that others would get hurt and I can’t bring myself to do something that would hurt other people.  I think about driving off a cliff.  The problem with that is that others will have to clean up the mess.  The other problem with that is knowing my luck, I’d survive the damn thing and be stuck with injuries that would make my life even harder.  But it feels like no one cares.  So why should I care?    

I hate that I’m in this depressed funk.  It feels like there’s no light anywhere and no chance of finding it.  I’m going to try to find it.  I’m going to try to find my light again and be the happy and cheerful person I used to be.

That’s all for today.  Until later remember…be safe and be kind to one another.