Nov. 14, 2016

Trying to focus on the light

Trying to focus on the light ahead.  I’m hoping that the darkness that I’ve been fighting will brighten and that the light is so much closer than I thought.  However, a new development is making me lose sight of that light.  It keeps getting dimmer and dimmer.  I want to be positive and upbeat, like I used to be.  It feels like my spirit is wearing down.  I bolster it up and bolster it up.  I swear it’s like my spirit is a friend that doesn’t want to get out of bed, doesn’t want to be lifted up, and doesn’t want to be encouraged because it seems pointless.  I refuse to believe that it’s pointless.  But it’s tiring to keep fighting.

Daily, I look in the mirror and tell myself (even if I don’t believe it), “You can do this.  You will not be beaten.  Everything will be fantastic once you make it through.”  The exhausted, weak, and down part of me whispers back, “You’re a liar.  There’s no point in fighting because things keep coming.  I can’t keep doing this.  I need to stop.”

Do any of you talk to yourself like this?  Or am I the only one? 

It’s one thing for me to keep fighting my body.  It’s a completely other thing to be constantly fighting my mind and heart.  Both have that stoicism ingrained.  I have to be really sick to let how I’m feeling show.  Well, except from those that know me really well.  Or if I get caught in a weak moment.  Sometimes I want to smack myself for my stubbornness because I don't get to rest much, but it’s that trait that keeps me out of the ER and eventually hospice.  No one knows everything that’s going on.  As much as I post online or say or text, there’s a lot that no one else knows.  Not even my best friends.  And yes, I know that if they read this post, I’ll be given hell for it.  I just can’t burden others with everything, no matter how loving they are.  But you know, they are the ones, besides my familia, that I fight for.  They help give me hope.  Another thing that gives me hope is my trip.

I have a trip planned for March of next year.  There’s an amazing event that I am planning on attending so I can see my favorite authors and hopefully meet some new friends.  It might sound silly, but that’s what keeps me going.  Friends have told me that it’s silly to fight so I can go to an author event.  Apparently those friends don’t know me very well.  These events are amazing and uplifting for the authors as well as the attendees.  I plan on making my two favorite authors laugh and smile as much as I can while I’m there.  I also plan to give them huge squeezes.  (Beware Audrey and Angel!  LOL)

So if you have been in similar shoes, feel free to tell me how you kept fighting.  How you kept from losing your mind.  How you kept from giving up.  I’m not ready to give up, but I’m open to suggestions on keeping as far away from that point as possible.

Until later…be safe and be kind to one another.