Jan. 1, 2017

See ya 2016…whaddup 2017!

From deeply hidden despair to the purest of love.  My journey during 2016.

I originally planned to write and post to my blog for my 35th birthday.  Apparently, it wasn’t meant to be because circumstances prevented it and my head just wasn’t in that space.  Turning 35…for many, that age isn’t really all that big of a deal.  For me, it really is.  You see, I had considered ending my life to the point where I had a plan.  Then my life changed for the better.  I met some amazing people.  Since then, I have met numerous people that I don’t know how I lived without.  My turning point was meeting my favorite author and her soul sister, Nikki.  We don’t always know what an impact we make on others.  I’m pretty sure neither of them knew how significant that day was.  It wasn’t just my first time attending an author event where I would meet my favorite author.  It was an awesome event where I not only met her and her soul sister, but I met and made two other friends…and I had a glimpse of hope.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I have an awesome support system.  I have wonderful best friends, family, and pals.  However, there are things that I just don’t want to burden them with.  Now I know what they would say, but I maintain my stance.  I made my best friends put up with so much.  They listened to my gripes, whines, cries, and bitches.  They never gave up on me.  They gave me so much love and I just didn’t want to keep burdening them.  My health wasn’t getting better.  It was getting worse and I was tired of fighting.  Tired of whining about how unfair it was.  Tired of being sick.  Tired of being in pain.  Tired of never seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  To me, there was no light at the end of the tunnel.  Someone or something covered it and sealed it up.  I refused to believe that things would get better.  Cancer took away my ability to have children.  That dream was obliterated.  My health problems were piling up and there was no one to share the daily stresses with.  Thanks to the disease that I’m living with, I had no hope of finding a man that would love me unconditionally.  I had no hope of people loving me outside of my small circle.

However, Audrey Carlan changed my life and provided hope.  With Audrey came Heather and Jeananna, who I am so blessed to call friends, especially because they humor the “nut” (me LOL).  Through her, I found my pieces of my heart that I did not know I was missing, from my soul sister Tracey to my angel sister Michelle, to my loves Wendy and Ashley and Ingrid, to the rest of my beautiful friends.    Also through Audrey, I met the wonderful Angel Payne, who is now a dear friend (and other favorite author) and one that I just love to pieces.  Then through Angel, I met the awesome Victoria Blue, who is now a friend!  Gah! 

I have been told that I’m strong, but I saw true strength just a few weeks ago, in the face of a beautiful little angel.  I got the chance to hang out with Nikki again and meet her daughter who inspires me to be strong.  This young lady, who is a third my age and a tenth of my size harnesses such power.  She and her mother showed me what real strength and courage is by embodying it every single second of the day.  I have an awareness tattoo on my right forearm that is just for them.  Every chance I get, I send them healing, light, and love.

You see, I’m no longer at the point where I want to die.  I have hope and dreams and immense love, thanks to the beautiful people who shared nothing but joy and love with me.  I have my own blog, I'm a beta reader for two incredibly talented authors, I am a soul sister, I am an angel sister, I am a bestie, I am a Twin, I am a friend.  And I am making plans.  I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.  I am a better Ceej.  2016 turned out to be a fabulous year!  2017, YOU BETTER BRING IT!

As for the finding-a-man part…someone just might have a secret…we’ll see how it goes. <wink>

Happy New Year everyone!

As always, until later… be safe and be kind to one another.  Chiku yan hu guaiya hao!