Jun. 24, 2017

It's okay to be down, but don't stay there.

Having an illness, any kind of illness, sucks.  When you have multiple illnesses or conditions, life is that much harder.  You have to fight to be the same person that your tribe loves.  You have to fight the urge to give up.  You have to fight the darkness that calls your name every time you have a flare up or a symptom rears its ugly head.  You have to turn away from the oblivion that beckons every time your fever spikes to 104 degrees and you end up kneeling before the porcelain throne for the fifth time that day.  You feel guilty every time you sleep through the day because your body is so exhausted and worn out from trying to be strong.  You feel guilty every time a friend can tell when you’re not feeling well.  You wish you can just go back to life the way it was before you started getting sick.  You cry, alone at night, because you can’t let anyone see it.  What do you do when you wish you can give up on life?  What do you do when you have so many people who need you in their life?  Do you fight just for them?  Do you find a way to fight for yourself?

For the past two weeks, I’ve been scaring and worrying my closest friends.  I didn’t talk to them even though I love them.  I didn’t participate in social media events and posts and I am someone who loves social media.  I met some of the most wonderful people through that avenue.  I found my Super Fave and discovered new faves who have become amazing friends.  I found a joy that I didn’t have in my daily life.  But I mostly stayed away.  My head was filled with so much darkness and desperation and I didn’t want to share it.  And by doing this, I made some people sad.  I’ve scared them.  I’ve worried them.  I’m not close to where I used to be, but I’m trying.  I still dream of finishing what I started at a very low and dark point.  I still dream of being taken over by utter blackness and numbness.  However, I’m trying to find my joy again.  I’m trying to be the woman that my tribe loves and enjoys.  Throughout all this, I’m working on coming to peace with what’s going on in my life.

The point of this post is to remind people that it’s okay to be down.  It’s okay to be depressed.  It’s okay to have those moments where you’re suffering so much that you wish for oblivion.  What isn’t okay is to stay there.  What isn’t okay is to take the steps to achieve that oblivion.  It’s not okay to not get help.  As much as it might be tough or hurt, lean on those in your tribe.  They are there for you.  They love you.  They need you in their lives.  They want to see you happy.  They need to share the love you have given them with you.  Let them be the light in your darkness.  Mine definitely have and are.  I am blessed to have these beautiful people in my life.

Until laters beautifuls…be safe and be kind to one another.