Sep. 15, 2017 much is yours holding you back?

Pride.  How many of us are controlled by our pride, much less slaves to it?  I freely admit to being enslaved to mine.  I’m often a people-pleaser for reasons I won’t bore you with.  It took a lot of time for me to break through it and do what’s best for me.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not free, but I’m working on focusing on what’s important.  And my pride isn’t always what’s important.

You see, I’ve been told by a few different doctors that I’m disabled.  Pure shock hits me every single time I hear it.  I have the need to do things myself.  I have the hardest time relying on others for even the smallest of things.  The past few months have been difficult.  I can no longer stand for longer than ten minutes or walk for five minutes without being seized with incredible pain.  Yet I still make it harder for myself because of my damnable pride.

A few months ago, I gave in and ordered folding canes.  I use them almost every day.  I wear compression gloves daily.  However, the pain is getting worse.  I’ve made myself a prisoner in my own bedroom because I can’t drive while under the influence of prescription drugs or cannabis oil, I can’t stay out in the living room because it’s not comfortable enough for my pain-ridden body and steely pride to completely relax.  I don’t go anywhere because it hurts.  I don’t go places with my family because I’m hurting too much or I’m too embarrassed that I’m walking a hell of a lot slower and need to sit down more than I used to and I don’t want to slow my family down.  I don’t want to be imprisoned in my bedroom.  I need to live.

I’ve looked into motorized scooters.  They are not covered by my insurance.  I’ve checked.  I can’t afford getting one because I barely live paycheck-to-paycheck thanks to medications and medical bills.  So, I’ve started looking into wheeled walkers, also known as rollators.  They’re usually above $100 and for someone like me, that’s a lot.  After mentioning that I’m looking into walkers to some friends, I lucked out on Amazon because I found a rollator with a seat that can handle my weight for about $50!  I talked to a couple treasured friends about me not wanting to get it but needing it.  One of my most treasured friends, Heather, understands my insane pride and told me that everyone wants me to live life, so until I get better, I should decorate it and make it fun.  “Make it creative – make it Ceej.”  My Twin Maria told me to F my pride and do what I did with my canes (which was to put copies of the covers of my favorite books by my favorite authors all over them) because I need it.  My pals Shar and Terry encouraged me to get the rollator in the sweetest ways, one of them even searching and linking me to postings.  All of this reminded me that living my life and doing it my way, and doing what’s best for me is way more important than my stupid pride.

So what did I do?  I ordered the rollator.  I ordered royal blue duct tape.  I’m going to print more copies of the covers of my favorite books to put around the poles and bars.  I’m going to print my favorite quotes from my favorite authors and put them everywhere.  Screw my pride.  I’m going to rock the hell out of this rollator.  If anyone treats me badly while using it, let’s just say that I’ll be carrying my folding cane and using it as nunchucks. <wink>

Are you making your life more difficult because of your pride like I have been?  Take it from one of the proudest people in the world, stop it.  Your comfort, your life, your happiness is way more important than pride.  Give in like I have, especially when it’s necessary, and you’ll be much happier.


Until laters beautifuls, be safe and be kind to one another.